Heaven and hell
by AndromedaZara
Summary: She was his heaven, he was in hell. One summer changed everything. He is ready to betray Voldemort for her and risk his own life, she's ready to put her life on the line. But will it all be worth it in the end? Written from a 1st person perspective of Draco and Hermione. Longer summary in the first chapter. Dramione. Canon until end of HBP.
1. Chapter 0 - Summary

She was his heaven, he was in hell. One summer changed everything. They never thought they would find what they did, especially in one another. He is ready to betray Voldemort for her and risk his own life, she's ready to put her life on the line. But will it all be worth it in the end?

Draco and Hermione never thought they'd find what they found in one another during the summer after 6th year. They found love, but they didn't realize it then.

It's two years later now and the war is still going. Draco is forced to be a Death eater after his fathers death and Hermione is searching for the remaining horcruxes and a way to destroy Voldemort with Ron and Harry.

But they never could have imagined that one small encounter could change their lives so much, and now Draco is prepared to give his life for Hermione, to be a spy for the Order, while she's putting hers on the line with every second of being tied to him – Voldemort's favourite Death eater.

Canon complaint until the death of Dumbledore in HBP. Dramione. Rated M mostly for language, but I'll also definitely post warnings if anything more graphic will be happening in any chapter just so you guys know.


	2. Chapter 1 - DM (Heaven and Hell)

A/N Enjoy! Also, all constructive criticism is welcome but, please be gentle, this is my first ever fanfiction I published :)

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I keep seeing your eyes. You're calling my name.

I'm running. Running after you. Always. Always running after you.

This is me going insane. I'm two double shots of firewhiskey in and I can't sleep. Your eyes keep calling. I'm in hell.

I can't search for you, I can't help you, I can't hide you. I can't love you. The best thing I can do for you is forget you. Make you leave my thoughts. That way he won't know.

But everything reminds me of you. This room, the books around me, hell, you've never even been here, and I can swear I can smell your perfume in this room. In every room I enter.

I pray to every God there is to keep you safe.

After all, a God must exist, because how else would anyone explain you loving me. You were a gift from some God to me. I never deserved it. I still don't. I never will.

And now I'm not sure I'll ever see your eyes again. Your smile.

He's after Potter and you had to befriend him all those years ago. Of course, you had. You've never done anything the easy way.

This war has been going on for far too long. I want it to end. I just don't know how. I should be wanting him to win, but how can I. How can I want that if that would mean Potter dead and you in pain, or worse...?

Do I want your side to win? Hell, yes, they can even lock me away for all my sins, I wouldn't care. A lifetime in Azkaban wouldn't be half as bad as seeing you tortured on my drawing room floor.

I wanted to die that day. I couldn't help you. I never got to say I'm sorry. I'm just glad you managed to escape.

I'm the biggest coward there is. I knew Potter used to say it behind my back. Who would've thought I'd admit that he was right. I couldn't even look at you that day. I would've broken down right there next to you.

„Ah, young Malfoy, I see you are not sleeping. Any interesting thoughts on your mind?", Dolohov entered the library. He just loves that my father has lost his standing with Voldemort. After all, now he was the highest regarded Death Eater. Well, after Bella, but she is crazy, and Voldemort keeps her close because of her blind loyalty. I mean, why not keep the one person who'd take a death curse for you always near.

„Nothing that concerns you." I answered curtly, „what are you doing here, I do believe you know how to read a calendar and the next meeting is tomorrow." There goes my attempt at hiding my foul mood.

His face twitched ever so slightly showing that he hated the way I talked to him, but he schooled his face quickly into indifference, someone less trained would have missed it, but growing up a Malfoy trains you better than anything. Well, he can't kill the last Malfoy heir, what a monumental shame. But that wouldn't stop him from aiming a nasty curse at me as soon as we were outside the wards of the house. Inside, he can't touch me.

„Careful there, Draco" he spat out coldly, „you wouldn't want me as your enemy, especially in a scenario where I would have to watch your back." He paused. He knew something. I was never on a mission with him. But it seems like that would change soon. „I am here to see the Dark Lord. Important business, not that you would know. After the last debacle I'm surprised he even lets you leave the house to go mudblood hunting."

I don't even care for his insults. Words can't hurt me. After being tortured for days from Voldemort, words have no impact on me. But the important business part caught my attention. No one knew what Voldemort did in the north part of the manor which he had commandeered for himself as his private quarters. What I do know is that no one could enter, and it radiated dark magic. I don't even want to find out what Voldemort was doing there, but I can't imagine him doing anything less than disturbing.

„Well, go boy. I haven't got all night. Alert the Lord right now." Dolohov barked at me.

I hate sending Prissy to Voldemort, but that was the only way. I called for her and gave her the order to alert Voldemort that Dolohov has arrived.

Prissy went and Dolohov turned to leave, he knew that Voldemort used the drawing room as a place to conduct „business" and he knew it would be unwise to not be already waiting for him there.

Before he left the room he turned around " Malfoy, you could be going on a mudblood hunt tonight, I suggest leaving the firewhiskey if you want to keep your wand straight...or something else. Wouldn't want to have another debacle to your name." He cackled.

I have heard those words a lot of times, but tonight they were more scary, darker. I just looked at Dolohov as he left not saying anything.

Something was wrong. No muggle born would ever be of interest to Voldemort, unless...

No. I can't even think it. It couldn't be. Stupid Potter. They can't have gotten themselves caught or betrayed. How stupid were they? And what were they even doing? They were supposed to be in hiding. What had they done?

Chills went down my spine. I can't let something happen to her. Gods, Hermione what have you done?

„Prissy!" the house elf appeared shaking. She never liked to be fetching Voldemort, and he was never nice to house elves. „Prissy, remember what we talked about two months ago? The very important thing that I told you that you can't ever repeat to anyone?" the house elf nodded, she must have been really shaken from alerting Voldemort. „Go do that, and as soon as you hear the name and location or anything of importance come back to my room. You must be very silent...And never utter a word of this to anyone. Even if I..." I couldn't finish the sentence. I could die tonight. I am about to betray Voldemort. I am about to interfere with his plans. I am signing my death sentence.

In any other situation Prissy would be crying right now, but she knew how important it was and with a barely audible pop she was gone.

I wanted to run to my room, but I couldn't. Even some of the portraits in the house would tell Voldemort if something was wrong, not to mention any death eaters I might encounter. I walked as fast as I could to my room.

I took my death eater cloak, but not my mask. Everyone had a different mask and I would be recognized by it. I charmed my face to have a dark mask over it and gripped my wand in my right hand.

Now I had to wait. Waiting is always the worst part. The manor was so quiet I could hear the grandfather clock from the hallway outside my room. Every second was painful to me. With every second she was in more danger. Every second was life or death.

Finally, Prissy popped into my room. I looked at her and nodded.

„Blackwood forest, master." I recognized the forest name, I used to play quidditch there with Blaise during the summers. It was close to his mother's house. If I only had known earlier.

„M-m-master, they is going to kill... h-h-he is going. He said not to call you, h-h-he .." Prissy was talking, but I can't wait anymore.

„It's ok Prissy. Remember what you have to do now? Go. I have to leave. And if I don't return I hereby free you of serving anyone named Malfoy ever again. Your new master is to be Theodore Nott. You heard me?" by now the house elf was silently crying, but she nodded and after a second an identical copy of myself was staring at me. Did I really look so tired and defeated? My copy went to lie in my bed, and I closed my eyes and focused on Blackwood forest.

I opened my eyes and looked at the forest in front of me. I will never find them just wandering around. And I have to be quick. Casting a silencing charm on myself I went into the forest. If Granger had any say in choosing their camping location, they would probably be at the west end of the forest where the terrain went from slight uphill to cliffs and rocks. It would be strategic for her to choose that place as their camp site.

I checked the time and realized that I would never make it by foot. I had to apparate. Although I didn't know that part of the forest that well. I had to risk it.

For the second time tonight, I closed my eyes and begged to be closer to her after I opened them.

I opened them to see a few meters away wards breaking and a tent becoming visible.

Three people ran out and my heart stopped.

It was her. She was there. So close to me. After so long.

I chastised myself for waiting and went to approach them. They were fighting. Weasel was yelling.

Potter was the first one to notice me and soon hexes were flying my way. I couldn't seem to catch a breath to tell them I was not an enemy. Then I was hit with a binding curse and they came up to me, disarming me in the process.

„Idiots, I am here to warn you. Let me go. He is coming and I will be the least of your problems then." I said as loudly as I dared to. They stopped and stared. But not she. She looked me in the eyes and in the next moment was running to me. Suddenly she stopped. Vary.

„What is my most prized possession?" she asked me. What in the name of Merin was she doing? She was wasting time. Then it hit me. She had to make sure I was really myself. „The necklace your parents gave you on your sixteenth birthday." I whispered. Potter and Weasel were staring as if petrified. Not doing anything. Seriously, were they brain-dead? How did Potter survive all these years?

But in the next moment, nothing more mattered. I could've died then and there as a happy man. She was hugging me, arms wrapped tightly around me, almost suffocating me and once again I could smell her. Only this time it wasn't my imagination, it was real. She was real. She was warm and she was holding me like I would disappear at any moment.

„Gran...Hermione, as glad as I am to see you, please take the curse off me. And you two. You need to move. All of you. He is coming. Any second now. And give me my wand." The last sentence was aimed at the two dumbstruck Gryffindors. Finally, they moved. But not soon enough. As soon as Potter threw me my wand there was a chill and dementors circled us.

Potter yelled something and a stag erupted from his wand to fend them off. I rose to my feet, keeping her close to me and looked at her.

„You need to go. We all need to go, but you. You especially need to go. You need to go and hide. Be safe." As soon as the last word left my mouth curses started to fly.


	3. Chapter 2 - HG (Strawberries)

A/N This was originally a one-shot, but I had a lot of bits and pieces of scenes on my laptop and during this summer I realized that without even thinking about it, all those pieces I wrote were part of the same story - this story. So I decided to expand on it, polish it and write more because I really like this story I have in mind. I'll have exams soon so I don't know how frequently I'll upload, but by my calculations, I should definitely upload at least two more chapters until October and then I'll probably be even more consistent with weekly uploads. Also, future chapters will be longer, probably double in wordcount.

And thanks to the two wonderful people who commented, you guys actually inspired me to take all the pieces I had lying around, polish them and start uploading them :) I hope you guys like it and I'm sorry for the wait!

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_Hermione's perspective_

**August 1999**

* * *

I still remember when my biggest fear was September when we had to go in different ways. When September meant the end and also the begging. But it wasn't the end nor the begging we were looking for.

I come here every now and then. I don't come here to think, I come here to feel. It's the only place I can let myself feel.

I miss him, I miss that summer night, I miss the person I was during those days.

The grass has grown over, it's obvious no one ever comes to this place, except us, a long time ago. And me. Today. On that same day, only years later.

I thought I'd change more. I did change, but some things never did. Like my feelings for him. I still don't know if it was ever love or just love for the small taste freedom we had during that summer. Was it love for what we could have, love for something we knew could never happen. Maybe it was nostalgia or longing for something we didn't even have.

Maybe I'm not missing him, maybe I'm missing my innocence. My old self. The life I wish I could have had.

I still remember the taste of those strawberries; they were wild, and he had just plucked them on his walk here. His lips tasted like them. His eyes were sparkling in the dusk, catching the last sunrays. We didn't talk much that day. We didn't need to. We knew it all. We knew that reality was right around the corner. It was looming in the near distance for weeks. Any day now it would crash down on us. We could never be what we were afraid to admit we wanted to be, but we had something between us. Our fears and demons played well together. They found solace in one another. We didn't need to talk.

I can still feel his arms as he hugged me. He rested his head on top of mine and we just breathed for a while. It was one of those moments you knew would be over in a second and you'd give everything you have to just make it last a bit longer. I guess there is a god on this earth because he gave us that wish. He let that moment last.

We kissed; I tasted the strawberries on him mixed with toothpaste. He was gentle like he was afraid that the slightest wrong move could make us both disappear. Like we weren't even real nor supposed to be here. In a way, we weren't. It was wrong. A war was on the horizon. And we were stealing moments. Moments in which the time stood still for us, but not for the world.

He slipped his arms to my back. My fingers were lost in his hair. I was trying to get as close to him as possible.

We were both scared. We knew what we were doing. We were trying to find comfort in someone as hurt as each other. In someone who had felt the pain we went through every day. In someone who could understand. We were trying to not feel alone. We were trying to forget our pain and scars by letting someone with even deeper ones try to heal them or at least understand them.

He slipped his hands under my shirt and started to take it off. I let my hands wander over his body underneath his t-shirt.

He was never the person I thought I'd allow to do anything like this. I never could imagine that his touch could feel so healing. I never imagined it would be him. It wasn't right for it to be him. Yet it didn't feel wrong. He felt familiar under my hands. I felt his back and his subtly defined muscles. He felt right. Nothing with anyone had ever felt so right like this moment right now. Like he, right now. I knew I wanted more. At this moment I wanted everything. Everything he could give to me. I knew it was right. Nothing else mattered.

I looked him into his eyes. I never could decipher everything in them. They always held secrets. Secrets carefully guarded behind a thick steel wall. But not in this moment. His eyes were softer than I ever thought they could be. He was sure. I saw in his eyes the same thing I was feeling. He wanted this too. He wanted more.

I nodded and watched him. He asked me, barely a whisper "I need you to say it."

To this day I'll never know how I managed to say anything, but I did "Yes. Everything. With you." I said. Four words. And although I'd like to think that I'll say a lot of more important words in my life I still haven't said anything more important and powerful to this day. Those four words were one of the things in my life I will never doubt nor regret.

All it took was a split of a second. He pulled me in for another kiss while we tried to take off our clothes. He put both of our cloaks on the grass and we laid on them. All I could see was his hair like an aura around his head and his eyes like melted pools of steel. His hands started to explore, and all I wanted is to be closer to him than to anyone I've ever been before.

We were just two people at this moment. Names, sides, pasts, futures, all of it didn't matter. We were still two teenagers, but I felt older. We both had more scars than we cared to admit, life had not been perfect for us. And nothing mattered right now except the fact that for some inexplicable reason we found in each other a person who could understand. Understand even the things we ourselves didn't.

The moment we became one, the moment he moved inside me. I felt it all, pain, pleasure, him, us. I didn't know it then, I do now, I know now that that feeling isn't just something you feel with anyone. I wanted to feel it with other people, but I never did. He wasn't perfect, he was nervous like I was, I had no idea what I was doing, but despite all that, that moment felt like something perfect.

I can't remember the details, it was just too much for me, I was overwhelmed. All I remember is feeling pleasure mixed with a bit of pain. He was touching me and moving, and I felt something I never did before. I wasn't inexperienced when it came to pleasure, and I did know even then how to make myself feel good, but this was different. It pooled in my stomach, I wanted more, more of his touch, more of him, faster, deeper. I wanted to jump off that edge he was bringing me to, I knew this would be better than anything I'd done alone. We both started to move more frantically. I could see him feeling the same thing as me. We wanted the release. I was hanging onto his arms for dear life and his fingers were holding me in a strong grip. With a few more moves I knew this would be it for me. I knew I was there. I felt myself slipping over the edge, I felt myself coming. I held onto him. I couldn't let go. I remember begging him not to stop. And he didn't. Just as I was starting to come down from my high, I felt him grab me harder and bury himself in me with a few thrusts. He came inside me repeating something I couldn't make out over and over again and I hugged him to me.

I remember us lying like that for a while. Just feeling. Feeling everything we couldn't show to anyone. After a while he moved and without a word we decided to dress, but we couldn't leave, we laid back down on our cloaks and just looked at the stars. We didn't talk for what felt like hours. Our fingers were entwined and all that could be heard was our breathing and the rustling of the small creatures in the forest.

"I will have to hurt you, but I won't be able to. I can't." if it hadn't been so quiet maybe I would've missed those words. I knew even then that he was telling the truth. We would run into each other, on different sides. And we would be expected to hurt each other. I knew I wouldn't be able to hurt him.

"Me either. I just won't. But if you have to do it, do it. You know I…." I couldn't continue. Tears were pooling in my eyes, and I wanted him to know I couldn't hold it against him if he was to hurt me in order to save his life. I wouldn't.

"I know." He replied and I let those words ring in my ears for a long time. We both knew. We both knew this wasn't supposed to happen. It would be easier if it hadn't happened. We both knew we had cheated on destiny, on everything that had ever been written for our futures with that summer. That summer would always feel to me like a dream, like something not quite real, like something that my imagination made up, something that wasn't supposed to happen nor could. But deep down we both would know it did happen. And that summer changed us. Changed thigs. Even if neither of us did understand then. Now I do understand. Now looking at that clearing, that overgrown grass, that spot where we did something we never thought we'd do, with the one person we never thought we'd care for. Now I know that at that moment things changed. At least they changed for me. I can only wonder if they did for him.

"I wish it were different. I can't even imagine anything different, but I wish it were." He said those words years ago and they are still true for me now. I still wish things were different. I can't change them, but that wish keeps bringing me back to this place so I could, once again, be at least close to feeling what I felt on that day.

I don't know who fell asleep first that night many years ago. When I woke up with the first light of the dawn the next day, he wasn't there. I don't know when he left. I haven't seen him since. I only have one thing left, the only thing that keeps me from thinking it was all a dream. He had left his family signature ring on my right pinkie finger. I have worn it since that day. Hidden so no one can see, so no one would know. It's on a long necklace I keep beneath my shirt. The necklace – the only thing I have as a memory from my parents who now don't even know I exist. And on that necklace the ring – the only thing I have from that night that keeps me from thinking I went crazy and only dreamt it.

A cold wind blows over me and I'm torn away from my thoughts. I have been here for quite some time and the sun has set and soon it will be completely dark and that means I must leave. I can't risk my life. Harry's life, Ron's life. They already sacrificed so much. They think I'm getting us food. I was already done with that when I apparated here. I turn to leave and notice some strawberry plants along the roots of a tree. I pick and handful and disapparate. Back to reality. Back to the war. Back to Ron.

* * *

He watched her pick some strawberries and disappear. He couldn't tell her he was there. He wanted with every part of his being, but it was too dangerous.

He came to this spot often when he knew no one would be following him. It was his safe place in a world filled with terror. He had remembered what day today was and he was wondering if she would remember too. He never expected her to actually come here today. It was far too dangerous for her to be here. She was in hiding. But he found great comfort in knowing that she hadn't forgotten about that day two years ago. She would never know how much it meant to him to see that that day two years ago meant at least a fraction to her of what it meant to him.

He still remembered how hard it was for him to leave her that night. He woke just a few minutes before dawn, and he knew that he couldn't survive saying goodbye to her. He knew he had to leave. He remembered watching her sleep, she was so peaceful, she was dreaming of something, and her lips were slightly moving. He had never seen anyone so beautiful as her. He looked at his hands and saw his family ring, the one with the Malfoy sigil. The ring was meant to be worn by the current head of the house, and since his father's death, he was considered the head of his house. The ring had powerful enchantments on it, some of which he didn't even understand and some of which he knew he didn't even know about, it was goblin made and the enchantments he knew about were to provide a shield for any Malfoy wearing it. He knew he wasn't supposed to give the ring to anyone except his future heir, but he decided to give it to her. That ring was one of the most precious things he possessed, it was the symbol of who he was and will be. He knew the enchantments couldn't work on her since she wasn't a Malfoy, but he had nothing to give her except that ring, and he wanted her to have something to remember him by. To have something of his with her.


End file.
